Views of Shame

Public outing turned to public pointing

Being the social person that I am, going in public has never been an issue for me. The looks and stares I get from the people around me have never really bothered me, nor have I paid much attention to them either.

After meeting my wife and really going public with her the stares became more apparent to me. It was like a switch went off and all eyes were turned towards us. A spotlight was beamed right at us, and at times it seemed to blind us.

We could just be walking next to each other in the store and other shoppers would give us a look of disgust or disapproval. First of all, your approval isn’t needed. Secondly, you should be disgusted with yourself for being disgusted. We went to the store together as two women shoppers who happen to be a couple.

We happen to be in a relationship as well. It is none of your business what we do. It isn’t like the LBGT community goes to the store’s and is just beyond disgusted by straight couples shopping. Nobody goes to the store to be hated on. So why do these individuals feel it is necessary to judge the wife and I?

I’ve seen people point at us, snicker under their breath to their friend and even avoid coming too close to us. I mean really? What does this do for you? Do you feel better about yourself? Do you feel all high and mighty?

Of course these individuals are afraid of the unknown. Now this may just be a theory of mine, but maybe they’re afraid of our sexuality because they’re afraid of their own. Perhaps they’re aren’t really straight themselves and have being living a lie all these years. Just to keep the facade up they put up this rough exterior and disrespect others.

One day the looks will fade away and the wife and I will be able to walk in public without someone trying to shame us for being ourselves.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Mrs. and Mrs. plus one

Name change after I do's

Getting married is a decision only two people can make. There are multiple factors that considered before, during and after the marriage takes place. One factor for our marriage was the last name exchange.

When the wife and I went to sign the marriage license we had to make the decision who was going to take whose last name. We thought about this for some time before this. Especially since we have a son, we wanted this decision be easier for all around.

So there we were in the office ready to make a decision on the last name exchange form. I made the decision to take my wife’s last name. We came to this decision because our son has her last name and this would eliminate any future issues if I were to take him anywhere.

Here we are six months later, the three Chandler’s. It sounds like the three amigo’s. The decision to take her last name was easy, but after the marriage was done came the name change paperwork. This is when the real fun began.

I had to change everything: social security, driver’s license, school information, bank account information, medical information, email, contact information, and all kinds of information just to be the new Mrs. Chandler.

When deciding whose name to take, or whether to keep your name or not be sure to consider your children or the future children you may have. This could ultimately determine the difficulty you may or may not face.  

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Boys and Girls

Gender pressured early on during playtime

I can remember being a child and playing with all kinds of toys. It never mattered what toys I played with: boy or girl. But it seems that in today’s society that has changed. Girls are to play with girls toys and boys are to play with boy toys.

What about the children who are transgendered? What about the children who struggle with gender identity? What about the children who are gay or lesbian? What about the children who are simply more interested in a toy because it is fun to play with?

A toy is defined as an object, a small representation of something familiar, such as an animal or person, for children or others to play with: a plaything. That’s it. So if a little boy plays with doll perhaps he is representing his mother, sister, aunt, cousin, or even a friend. A little girl plays with a racecars because she watches Nascar with her dad on the television. These toys are for the children to pretend, imagine and have fun.

Just a couple days ago, my son was playing with his friends who happen to be girls and he went outside with his baby doll. He wanted to be like the other kids. Another older kid who happened to be a girl was curious why our son had a baby doll. She said, “why does he have a baby doll, dolls are for girls?” The older girl said, “he can’t have a baby doll.” Our sons friend said, “yes he can.”

I was so proud of our sons friend for standing up for him. It made me happy to know that not all hope is lost. However, it made me think that there are still children being raised with this mentality that girls play with girl toys and boys play with boy toys. This can’t continue on.

Circulating on Facebook is the video of a father a his son who just went and brought a toy. His son just brought an Ariel doll The Little Mermaid. His son was super excited to have this doll and the father couldn’t be any prouder, happier or more supportive. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps.

We have allowed our son to play with all kinds of toys, whether they were boy or girl toys. If he liked it, he played with it. Its not about the gender for us, its about the educational lesson and life lesson that the toy can bring to the child.

Parents let’s make this change happen. No more boy toys, no more girl toys. Let’s just have toys.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

What do I call you?

Given identity from a child

When our son was a baby I always figured he would call me momma. I never had a second thought about it, until people started asking what does he call you? Well...um mom? I am not some mutant being that doesn’t have a title. Besides I have always referred to myself to him as momma.

As he got older he learned the difference between the two of us: mommy and momma. He associated mommy with my wife and momma with me. He still associates these titles today. Now he has learned our names. That is a whole new territory in and of itself.

It is fun trying to explain that one to people when he runs up to me saying “Wiss.” Nobody knows who he is referring to unless they are around him enough or we have taken the time to explain it.

I think it is the cutest thing ever hearing him call the wife or I by our name. Any little child for that matter. It is just the cutest darn thing ever. But I have a bias I suppose.

I am proud that our son knows our names. I would much rather he knows who his parents are.

No matter the situation, no matter the reference he still knows me as momma. Whenever anyone says go ask your momma he comes to me. Sometimes they will even say go ask your mommy and he’ll come ask me. It is all he knows.

Something that inspired the title to this blog came from my son. He started saying “mommies” and it just stuck to me. He realizes that he has two mommies. A child like this is one in a million.

So the next time someone wants to ask what does he call you? I’ll say his momma Wiss.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Foul Language

Exposed to foul language can cause a conflict

Children are exposed to many things, more specifically foul language. It may be at home, in a public setting, at school, a friends house, or even at a family event. Either way foul language is unavoidable.

In many situations the parents can decide whether to remove the child from the area or stay. There is another option that is more conflicting that I wouldn’t suggest: demanding the individual (specifically an adult) to not use that kind of language.

Now I understand that as a parent we don’t want our children subjected to foul language, however to demand another adult to stop in such a negative manner wasn’t the way to go. Secondly, the child who heard the foul language being used has more than likely heard this before.

When my son is around I try my best to not use foul language, but it isn’t easy. It is a language that I have become accustomed to over the years. It doesn’t make me feel “smarter” or “wiser” using these words, they just come out.

Once I noticed that he started repeating the foul language I used around him I started limiting the usage around him as much as possible, but it is difficult when I’ve done it for so long. It is literally hard to “teach a dog new tricks.”

So I came up with alternatives to the foul language that helped him and I adjust. This really helped us out. I learned a lesson while teaching him how to not use the foul language that will ultimately get him in trouble.

I am not going to lie, I still use the foul language. I am not perfect. But when he does slip and use the foul language he is asked if he is suppose to use those words. He says no. Sometimes he hears the wife or I use a foul words and he says no no bad words. Which reminds us that we do need to filter ourselves around him.

Raising our son isn’t easy, but it is a team effort the three of us altogether.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Will I be Teased?

Teasing children based on parents sexual orientation

In two years time our son will be off to kindergarten. A new journey will begin and several new obstacles will arise. However, one in particular seems to be brought up in conversation in regards to our sons education. Will he be teased because we (his moms) are gay?

This really starts at home. If the wife and I raise our son to be confident, proud, loving, kind, and himself I think having two moms won’t be an issue. However, there will be parents who don’t agree with two moms or two dads and will ultimately project this upon their child or children. This hatred will be brought to the schools and when word gets out that any child has two moms or two dads the teasing might start. It isn’t right and I certainly don’t condone it by any means, but it is a fact of life.

Hopefully though with the way society is slightly changing, being gay isn’t so frightening as all the straight people really thought it was after all. We’re all just like you. Boo!

What happens when our son comes home and says someone was mean and teased him because he has two moms? What will we do? Honestly, what I would like to do and what I would do are two differently things.

First option which is bad, I would like to yell and scream at the parent for ever creating such a terrible thought into a child and not allowing them to have their own opinion.

Second option which is good, I would like to go to the class and inform the students that is okay to have two moms or two dads. Explain that it is okay and nobody deserves to be teased because of this sort of thing.

Third option which doesn’t really solve much, transfer schools. If we transfer schools he could end up facing the same issue again and again.

If all parents would just nip this “gay bashing” in the beginning than the teasing in the schools and even at home could stop. It is a vicious cycle and how can anyone really live life afraid to be themselves?

In a perfect world everyone would just get along and nobody hate anyone. No perfect world exists and it probably never will.

All we can do is raise our son the best way we know how and hope he grows into the right kind of man, whichever kind of man that may be.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Embarrassing Discipline?

Discipline detrimental to my child in the long run, or is it

A question of whether to discipline a child publicly or not has been mentioned recently and it won’t leave my thoughts. So I have done some serious thinking and came to some conclusions of my own.

When it comes to discipling my son he gets a spank on the bottom, a smack on the hand and an occasional “pop” on the mouth. It happened to me as a child and I turned out just fine. In my eyes discipline worked for me and it will work for my son.

Some parents today don’t believe in discipline. It isn’t appropriate to hit a child anymore. Now it is even considered abuse. This just puzzles me. Is wasn’t abuse when it happened to us, but now it is. Hmm…? I am not making the connection.

There was this incident where I witnessed a child contorting another child in a manner that wasn’t friendly and frankly wasn’t playful. The child that was in what seemed excruciating pain wasn’t having any fun was screaming and crying. No other parents were running to her aide, so I ran up and stopped the older girl and immediately rushed her to her mother for discipline.

Here is where it gets weird. I didn’t do the discipling. I simply stopped the bad behavior and brought the child to the mother to handle her child. Since this happened at an event that had close to 100 guests apparently the mother was embarrassed that I pulled her daughter aside and brought her to her for discipline. Wait a minute. what?!

This just irritated me. Her daughter just bent another child in half, made her scream in agonizing pain and you’re embarrassed because I brought her to you to discipline? You should really be embarrassed that she just seriously hurt some little girl.

If my son had done anything remotely close to what her daughter had done, oh my gosh he would be in so much trouble. I wouldn’t care what people thought, said or even saw. There is no reason for a child to act like that in public or with another child.

Secondly, publicly disciplining your child teaches them that they cannot and will not get away with anything. If all you do is wait until you get home to discipline they will not learn anything.

So okay I get it, you don’t want to physically hit your child. But how about you actually deal with your child in that moment and teach them a valuable lesson. Don’t allow them to act that way in public. Otherwise they will continue to act up and remember that they can do whatever they want when in public and get away with it without punishment.

I am not asking everyone to start beating their children, just start realizing that generations before were disciplined and actually survived. They actually had better manners and respected adults. Parents be considerate of other parents, don’t judge them for disciplining their children and thank them when they help discipline your children, even thank them. You never know what they may have just done for you later on down the road.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Is Public Pride for All Ages Appropriate?

Age is no issue, when Pride is celebrated

Capitol Pride 2015 was celebrated today in Salem, Ore. The wife and I attended for a couple hours for the first time. It wasn’t what we had expected, however it was an experience nonetheless.

We saw a few performances, checked out the dozens of booths and people watched. While attending Capitol Pride I noticed that some attendees were younger than usual, unusually younger than I would have expected to be attending such an event. Now we had the thought of bringing our son, but we didn’t for other reasons. However, while there I started to have a thought: these children, do they really know what Pride really means.

With this thought filling my head I couldn’t help but start to question the very son we’re raising. Does he know what Pride means? Does he know what it means to be part of the LBGT community? Is he too young to understand this? Were we right for not subjecting him to this event and celebration? I can’t answer these questions because I am not my son.

However, I can only assume that children understand that it is a celebration. They don’t necessarily know what is going on. If we had brought our son along, honestly he wouldn’t have been interested in the Pride celebration one bit. He would have been focused on the playground behind the booths.

The celebration even had a few unfriendly children songs. Now don’t get me wrong, my son has heard worse than the songs performed, but some parents don’t want their children hearing certain things. So in a public setting like the Capitol Pride celebration, children shouldn’t be in attendance; unless there is like a child friendly Pride. Who knows, children are realizing who they are younger and younger, it could be a possibility.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

To Explain or Not to Explain

Publicly announcing our love

Explaining our relationship to family, neighbors, physician’s, and curious onlookers wasn’t always as easy as it looks. In the beginning we had issues and we eventually overcame them with practice and perseverance.

It took courage and a better understanding of ourselves to really be able to explain to the curious individuals. We started with the closest people to us first: family members. It was simple as we’re dating: girlfriends.

After we moved in together and had neighbors, this meant we had to be somewhat social and they would see us on a regular basis. At this point the curious became curious. They started asking questions. Which is what we expected to happen. Its a natural part of life and everyone does it. So out of respect we answered. Yes, we are a couple. It was that simple.

As our relationship became more serious, this is where we were able to make appointments for the other “partner” and pick up prescriptions. If someone asked the relationship the usual response was my girlfriend. Once we got married the response became my wife.

It may sound a bit childish, but I still get a little chuckle when I say wife and someone gives me a look of what did she just say. It’s like they can’t believe it. Yes I did say wife, no you didn’t hear wrong and yes I am a lesbian. Now that we have cleared that up, can I get what I need and get on with my life. Thanks.

As for curious onlookers, they are a whole different kind of individual. It isn’t so much that they ask questions verbally, but they have this questionable glance or disgust about them that just exudes from them. It doesn’t affect me at all, however it is hard to not notice and in a way acknowledge it.

You would think that with everything that this country has fought for that everyone would be allowed to love whoever they want. Being yourself wherever you want should be allowed regardless of who see’s you. Love is love and that is all that matters. I saw a protest sign on Facebook that was being held by a black male and white female couple protesting same-sex marriage. Seriously your relationship was once wronged. Let’s stop saying who can love who.

Now when someone asks who the woman next to me is I say she is my wife. I say she put a ring on it. I am very proud to call her my wife. Nobody can take that from me.

Blog by Melissa Chandler

Is My Child Missing Out?

Without a “dad” around will he be manly enough

The idea of playing ball or using tools never really was a male or female activity for me. As an adult I do both and I have seen both. So when I came across this as a question I couldn’t believe it. How could being without a “dad” to play ball or use tools mean a child would be missing out.

Our son has two mommies, and he has the best of both worlds. His mommy, my wife is the handy wo-man who uses the tools and likes to play ball. I am his momma who isn’t so handy with tools, however I do know how to cook which is a different set of tools. So our son doesn’t need a “dad” around to fulfill anything. He isn’t missing anything.

Just the other day my son and wife built me a flower box. It turned out awesome, of course I am bias. However, this just proves that gender doesn’t matter. He is learning how to build something with tools. He is using motor skills, he is using tools and building a structure. All this at three years old. Wow!

When it comes to playing outside, the wife and I go outside and kick the ball around with the kiddo. It is enjoyable and a moment to bond as a family.

This idea that a child requires a mother and father is false. A child only requires love in my opinion. Any parent, no matter the sexual orientation can provide the love a child yearns for. Let’s stop this cycle and love our children.

Blog by Melissa Chandler